Look up

Whew!  Am I tired.  I'm not sure if it's still the getting-into-the-school-routine tiredness or the trying-to-figure-out-who-I-want-to-be tiredness, or the I-should-be-able-to-do-it-all-because-I-have-7- hours-without-kids-each-day attitude that continues to prompt me to actually attempt to do All The Things (that still persists, despite my attempts to convince myself it's a lie), but I am exhausted.  So tired.  Physically, emotionally, you name it, I'm that kind of tired.  Yes, even now, after a full night's sleep, at not even 9 o'clock in the morning.

 

Why am I so tired?  I mean, so and so works full time, shuttles her children to music lessons and sports, feeds them, helps them with their homework, gets them off to bed, and then straightens up the house.  She doesn't look tired.  Not at all.

 

That other person, she's going through a divorce.  She's working part time to afford attorney fees, parenting solo, and keeping her kids well-adjusted and happy, and her home spotless.  She doesn't look tired.

 

Well, and then there's the person who's on multiple committees, even chairs two of them, is painting and redecorating her house in her spare time by herself, and still has time to connect with her children after school every day in between driving them to activities.  She doesn't look tired.

 

Oh yeah, and what about the person who is president of the PTA, works full time, has 4 kids in activities, AND works out 2 hours a day.  She doesn't look tired at all.

 

Don't even get me started on moms who homeschool many children of all different ages.  How?

 

And then there's me.  I don't work (for pay) full time.  I can barely deal with the kids' homework--I fact, there are many nights when a certain child and I are both in tears over it, and I routinely ignore the kindergartner's homework because it doesn't have to be turned in.  The house is...well, OK, but could use a good deep cleaning.  I avoid committees like the plague. I don't have a baby keeping me up nights.  I have hours and hours of kid-free time every week, and all I have to do during that time is keep the house running.

 

And I am so tired.  What is wrong with me?

 

Well, I'll tell you what my problem is. 

 

My problem is, I'm still looking around instead of looking up.  I'm still comparing my intimate knowledge of my imperfections with the outside packaging of others.

 

How many times am I going to have to learn this lesson?

 

I am not the person who has a full time job, 4 kids in multiple activities, and a perfect house.  I am not the person who is parenting solo.  I am not the person on multiple committees.

 

I am not them.  I am me.  And I am tired.  And they probably are, too.  But that's irrelevant.  Me being tired means I need to rest more.  It doesn't mean that I am less than.  It doesn't mean I am more than.  It just is.

 

Look up, my friends.

 

***********

 

*And because I know you love me...

Yes, I know that my tiredness could be due to some medical cause, and yes, I will talk to my doctor about it at my annual exam that's coming up in a few weeks.  The tiredness is not the point, my friends.  The point is that I/we/all of us need to be vigilant in looking to God, not others, for our justification.  In every area of life, even this one.